Even if I could, I would

This year I would describe as the Year of Slaying Demons.  Inner demons.  I have put a lot of work in, honestly.  And feeling pretty good about it.  I am making some peace, stride by stride, step by step, with my thoughts.

One of my demons is the You Are a Fraud demon.  Meaning, if anyone really saw what was inside this heart of mine, they would run.  I have just been able to fool them by masking the yuck.  But if I’m not careful, I may slip, and they may see it…and abandon me.  So even when I am successful, even when things are good, there is a part of me that is waiting for me to ruin it.

Even in my marriage.

The dialogue runs like this: “Look at that amazing man.  You don’t deserve him.  You trapped him, when he was young and foolish, 25 years ago.  And he has so much integrity, he would never leave you now, even though he is shackled by you, burdened…you should just go.  Set him free.  It’s the only kind thing to do.”  It’s longer than that, with a laundry list of why I am the troll he needs to be unchained from, but you get the gist. (It’s ugly in there, sometimes, let me tell you.)  The dialogue usually starts up when he is being especially sweet.  It’s like I just can’t stand it.  I can’t reside in a place of love without twitching and feeling the need to bail.

But because this is the year of Slaying Demons, I am challenging them all.  Defying them.  Purposefully confronting and arguing and destroying.  Because I am sick of things being poisoned by the enemy of my mind.  Perfectly beautiful things, lovely moments, gifts and acts of service that are marred and twisted by this stupid voice that I have given power to.

My husband was making me breakfast the other day (SWEET! SWEET!!! DEMON MUST RUIN!!! The dialogue of hate begins…) and I decided to try on my new mindset.  Out loud.  Which is dangerous, because it requires other people to play along, sometimes without me equipping them to know I am working on my mind.   I said, outwardly playful but inwardly needing to speak, “You love me, don’t you.  You can’t even help yourself!”

Without missing a beat, he said, “Even if I could, I would.”

He didn’t even look up from what he was doing.  Just continued making me waffles.  Not knowing that he had just said the most perfect words he could have ever said to me.  Even if he could help it, even if he had control over it (admitting that he doesn’t, which is also wonderful), he would still choose to love me.  Knowing me better than anyone else does, witnessing every detail of me, walking life’s path with me and watching me react to the world, seeing me naked (physically and emotionally), spending literally decades in my presence, and he says this.

And because he has shown himself to be the man that he is, a man of integrity, I know he means it.

Wow.

So this has become the healing salve in my heart.  I wanted to remember, to keep it in front of me.  So I made me this.

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~ by collidescopes on November 19, 2013.

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