Impatient

My grandma sent me this cartoon yesterday.

Good on its own–minus all the advertisements all over it.  But I had to laugh at the internal prompt it gave me.

This is me.  I am the Impatient Butterfly Collector.  As an artist, as a God-seeker, as a human being trying to change habits and grow.  I am constantly pushing, grappling, fighting, stretching.  I have been wrestling with ideas, songs and images I have had stored in my brain–some of them for over five years now.   Panicked that somehow it is too late for them, too late for me.  That I have ‘lost it’. 

I can see now that some, if I had pushed them out into the public light back then, would have appeared a lot like this cartoon…incomplete, underdeveloped, just a hint of their future potential.  This stuff needs to incubate.  I need to allow that process. 

Some ideas didn’t come with the skill sets I would need to pull them off.  Now that I am aware of that, I am developing them on a regular basis.  This gives me the promise that I will catch up to the idea eventually, and I trust that it will wait for me there.  

Others, the format or the equipment hadn’t appeared yet.  Now that it has become obvious and available, I can move forward. 

Others, face it, they downright scare me.  I am cultivating the bravery required to engage with them.

I need to allow that in myself, too.  I am not who I was this time last year.  I am probably not very recognizable to the me I was five years ago.   I have to stop trying to push the final results of who ‘me’ will be someday and allow it to come naturally, while cultivating the environment needed to change and developing the habits that will teach me what I need to know.

I need to allow surprises as well.  I don’t actually get to choose my own wing pattern.  I don’t get to pick the day I burst out of the cocoon. 

That is up to God.

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~ by collidescopes on November 3, 2010.

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